Ramblings

Hmmm...I'm still not diggin the name of my blog. It reminds me of "diary of a mad black woman." not that that is bad, just not as original as I'd like.

So, speaking of diaries, an old friend and love interest from high school found me on one of those online communities (you know the kind, myspace, facebook, etc.). Well, he was the LAST person I'd dream of having contact me, and honestly probably hadn't thought of the kid in 10 years. And low and behold, there he was! I had very vague memories of him and decided to see if I'd written anything about him in one of my old diaires. I have about 6 or 7 journals filled from cover to cover and it was just a matter of finding the right year. It was 10th grade. I found an entry talking about how we went to a football game! And I wrote about how tall and how cute he was, but that he wasn't the same religion as me. Apparently we had kissed and after we kissed he opened his pants up and wanted a little sucky-sucky action!!! Oh my. I didn't even remember any of that. I, of course, was APPALLED! Seeing as though he was the 3rd boy I'd ever kissed and such a good young teenager at the time I wouldn't have dreamed of coming near him or his thing! Oh my, how times have changed. I never went out with the young horny kid ever again, but wrote about how for the rest of the school year he and his friends all made fun of me and i got many-a-penis flashed at me! Unbelievable.

This little experience was a testiment to me that journal writing is really powerful and worthwhile. For some reason I have a terrible memory - especially when it comes to word-recall or useless-facts. I always lose when I play scrabble, scattegories or Trivial Pursuit... my husband gloats like a kid with no manners. I would normally classify myself as rather smart, but for some dang reason i just can't remember words, facts, or anything from my childhood or teenage years. Well, regardless, I have an amazing history written that I diligently and faithfully kept from age 11 to... well, to now, really. If my husband cared to learn anything about me he would dig in and read everything from cover to cover - he'd even find out "how many" ..., but for some reason, he has no desire. Not just to find out how many, but he just has no desire to read, or to challenge himself, or to learn anything about me. Isn't that strange?

Unfortunately 90% of the pages are about boys, boys and boys. One boy in particular, my first love. I met him when i was 15 and wrote about him until i was 19 when we met again and dated for awhile. I waited for him. I loved him fiercely. I moved, he moved. We wrote hand-written letters. Between the two of us, we had probably written thousands of pages of letters. He consumed my every thought. Which is really too bad. It is always so easy to look back, read and see what I did wrong and what went wrong. I hsould have lived my life for me. I should have gone to college right away, instead of stretching it out for 8 years. It was okay that I loved him, but I hsouldn't have put my every fiber of being into my love for him. Our love was real. So real that even now I'm not sure I could say I've ever felt for anyone else the way I felt for him. He, in the end, broke my heart. I think my flaw was in I didn't trust myself, know myself and hadn't worked through anything I needed to figure out in life. I pushed us to be together too fast and too hard. whereas if I would have trusted things to either work out or not, and just lived life - progressing to where I wanted to be - I bet we would have actually worked out. Anyway. I hope if my husband read this he wouldn't be hurt. I think it is natural to experience something spectacular and lasting when it comes to your first love.

Wow I've gotten pretty far off track here. In the end, my point is to WRITE! Write, write and write. Every feeling, moment, and experience after experience at home, work and school can't easily be remembered and stored in our endlessly thinking brains. I think I read somewhere that you think 16000 thoughts a day! That is a lot of thoughts, so write down the important ones so you can one day go back and relive the ones that made you who you are today.